have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
