I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
