My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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