i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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