I wish my penis had an off switch
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
This is my gift to your gina
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
