Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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