dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
