I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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