this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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