I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
