I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
