i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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