did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
