I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
