I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize