Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
