i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
