i permit you to call me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
