guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
