i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
