i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
