you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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