I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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