my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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