if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
