Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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