Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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