My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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