In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
