He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
