If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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