I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
