Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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