So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
