Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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