Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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