1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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