is your mom at the bar?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
