Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
