do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
