nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
