Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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