one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
