Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
