Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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