The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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