Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
