the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
