the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
