drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
