arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize