I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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