My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
