I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My ATM looks so different sober.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just pee around me
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
