Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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