I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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