While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize