yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
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