You're my little dorito
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
